People, we are in crisis mode. The end of an era is rapidly approaching and virtually no one is doing anything to prevent this era from meeting a premature death. I am of course talking about the era of the traditional bully.
Yeah that's right, the traditional bully is a dying bread. You may be asking yourself, "Isn't this a good thing?" or "What good could possibly come from saving the bullies?" Well the answers to those question are respectively "no" and "you're kidding me, right?" Allowing the traditional bully to go out the way of the dodo bird and disco music would be, in the words of the questionably immortal Michael Jackson, "bad." If we don't have bullies around to ruin peoples' high school experiences, how would we ever produce anymore success stories like Jon Pritikin (a motivational speaker that put on an assembly at Tee Jay last year), who overcame ridicule from early on in his life to become the world's leading authority on rolling a frying pan?
This problem needs to be resolved, and as anyone who has ever been picked on by a bully would know, bringing an extra lunch to school is just a temporary fix. In order to solve this problem we have to first identify the source, or sources. Fortunately, I have accumulated what I believe to be the three most likely causes for the bully shortage: the fascist institution of pre-paid lunch, the unnecessary installation of automatic flush toilets, and the outrageous insinuation that P.E. teachers should not be allowed to encourage bullying.
For some of you non-free-thinking types, I'll enlighten you as to why I consider these things to be a part of this scheme. First of all, pre-paid lunch allows a person to bring in a large sum of money and pay for the lunch they will have for an extended period of time. Good for parents, bad for bullies. How are bullies supposed to know when geeky kids are going to bring in their lunch money when they only do it once a month or so? How could they possibly shake down a kid for lunch money if there is only a one in thirty chance that the kid even has any? It becomes a guessing game and, as exemplified by the average score a bully receives on a standardized test, bullies are terrible guessers! It's to the point now that I almost never see a dorky kid dangling upside down with his pockets turned inside out and loose change scattered around his upturned mop-like hairdo.
I would not call this just the tip of the iceberg because it is actually 33.3333333 percent of the problem, but pre-paid lunch is just the tip of the iceberg. Taking up half of the space in the rest of the iceberg, which unfairly receives less publicity than the tip, are automatic flush toilets. Swirlies, as most people know and acknowledge, are a staple of traditional bullying. It is a great deal for bullies because it incorporates three things that they love: brute force, humiliation, and no required knowledge limit. As Leonardo Da Vinci may have said once, "[Swirlies] are the best substitute for wit." But these intolerant auto-flush potties are taking away the most important aspect of the swirlies, the humiliation. The most degrading part of the swirly is having you head dunked into a toilet and listening (or watching, depending on how you are positioned) as the handle is violently pulled several times in succession. But now if you want to pull off one of these classic pranks you have to put your subject's head in the toilet and remove it to allow the toilet to flush and then quickly thrust the head back in before the water is gone. And do not tell me that the bullies can just press the button because the button is far, far beneath their level.
And now to complete my extended iceberg metaphor is the big base. The base is made up of all the bleeding-heart P.E. teachers who refuse to encourage bullying like they did in the good ol' days. Is it so wrong for a teacher to announce before a game of dodge ball that no head shots are allowed, unless you hit one of the dorky kids? The overwhelming majority of Americans would tell you there is nothing wrong with doing that, but the vocal minority has once again gotten their way in the realm of mainstream physical education. According to this slightly out of context statement, former President Jimmy "coach" Carter (who is often hailed by me as the father of modern-day P.E.), "You just can't do that stuff anymore."
We now know the three sources of bully extinction: pre-paid lunch, auto-flush toilets, and P.E. teachers; but what can we do to save the bullies?
We must backtrack. I encourage everyone reading this article right now to make a commitment to bringing lunch money (in cash) on a daily basis. We must endure. To all those bullies out there, you are not going to get your handle-flush toilets back, so just press the button. We must lead. If P.E. teachers have decided to take the high road and put an end to giving direct instructions to harm other students, then all of you bullies will just have to do it anyway, and know that deep down that is what they want you to do. Doing all of these things is the only way to save traditional bullying. I once again look to Michael Jackson who once said, "All I wanna say is that they don't really care about us." And that is a good thing
- JD Hemmerich