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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I wish for once I could post something positive...

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Comments: 10
I thought that since my guy helped me get my new car, that it was a sign he... idk... would talk to me or see me more.  I got too optimistic too soon, I suppose.  This is why I can't allow money to buy my affection.  Flowers, candy, jewelry, dinner... it will never work on me.  I mean if he hadn't helped me get the other car, then it would have simply been business as usual.  I'd still be making car payments... the world would have kept on spinning.  I just thought that... spending that amount of money... just because I asked... might have meant that... I meant enough to him to deserve it.  Instead I'm once again in the position where it's been a week... and I haven't heard from him.  

I'm not having a bad day right now, it can easily be turned around.  All it would even take would just be one person to ask about my fucking day... but instead I get on TC... just to have people call me a bitch... just to have them tell me that no one in there cares about me and that they hate me.  Feels fantastic.  I ask them to please drop it and change the subject... and instead I have to "learn my lesson"...  

All I ask for at the end of the day is that one person will talk to me and care... and instead I end up crying like a bitch and typing a pathetic UG blog.  I fucking hate myself.  

Do you realize how hard it is... to look in the mirror... and realize that this pockmarked face belongs to someone who makes min. wage at a shitty job, tries to support both her parents, help her sister, and still comes away at the end of the day with nothing to show for it.  Someone whose own bf can't find the time in a day to just drop a text message...

I'm worth less than the dirt on my floor.  I'm worth less than the crumpled spiders on the water damaged floor that is supposed to be my bedroom.  

It's just too bad you can't die from panic attacks... 

Tomorrow I'm going to hate myself more for this post... because this emotional and dramatic person isn't me.  Me is the girl who still drops her books and runs through the park because she realizes they have swings... Me is the person who wants to draw... and paint... and learn guitar... and walk barefoot through the grass to a tree just to sit and watch the day... Me is the girl who isn't afraid and it kills me that it's just that hard to see that person... for myself and for the people who might see me in passing... 

























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12:09 am - 10 comments - 0 Kudos - Report!
Comments
GenderNeutrala wrote on Aug 30th, 2011 3:36am

I've been having panic attacks all day, but given the current situation... I don't think anyone wants to hear.... or read rather. But this time I AM asking... I need help... someone please help. I don't know what to do... just please... help...

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Alex Vik wrote on Aug 30th, 2011 4:33am

On the plus side, you do have a significant other and a car. Some of us are forced to walk places and have no one in a 10 mile radius who'd want to be in a relationship.

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GenderNeutrala wrote on Aug 30th, 2011 4:36am

but he's not in a 10 mile radius... he's 180 miles away and like never talks to me...

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Alex Vik wrote on Aug 30th, 2011 4:52am

180 miles still beats 1100 miles.

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GenderNeutrala wrote on Aug 30th, 2011 4:58am

someone in particular?

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SpanishYanez wrote on Aug 30th, 2011 5:01am

Do you think he deserves you after pulling that off? Personally I would not deal with that if a person apparently cares for me. But I dunno how you and him work so I can't make sudden judgments so the best I can do is hope for the best for you.

As far as the TC, sorry about how they are with people. They are usually like that and most of the time I usually start them. It's just different because I actually see that you are a cool person under all that you are. I actually see a bit of myself when I see you, which is sorta probably scaring you as you read this right now. But whatever good you say you see in me, that's probably the same good I see in you.

Cheer up Gen, I care for you and I hope things do turn out better. Don't hate yourself when you have my ass not hating you.

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Alex Vik wrote on Aug 30th, 2011 5:09am

GenderNeutral wrote on Aug 29th, 2011 at 10:58pm :
someone in particular?

Yes. I met an amazing girl who's exactly like me and a total freak in the sack. But I mostly cared about the whole "exactly like me" thing. And now I don't know if I'll ever see her in my life again. Check my last two blogs if you really care.

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GenderNeutrala wrote on Aug 30th, 2011 5:28am

Justin... you're awesome, you know that? I think we would get along like ol chums in person. You should come to meetup if we have one. SRSLY

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SpanishYanez wrote on Aug 30th, 2011 6:16am

Lol I'll see what I can do...can't make promises.

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Das_Skittles wrote on Aug 31st, 2011 12:11am

:hug:

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