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hugh20 (2)
Snowman388 (2)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Thank you UG

Current mood: depressed

Views: 365
Comments: 6
So, I'm trying hard again to dig out of depression... but it's difficult.  My least favorite thing to hear is for me to just get happy because if it were so simple... well... I'm not simple.  I know that.  Right now I'm in love with someone, and I'm not ready to give up on him, especially not when I wanted a future with him.  We've been apart so long though that I can't remember him.  It scares me.  I don't want to forget him but my memory is so horrible that it happens.  I find myself trying to replace the hole by talking to people who remind me of him, but it's just not enough.  No matter what I say though I just can't seem to communicate my desperation to him.  It feels like my heart won't beat like it should... It feels like my lungs won't expand enough for me to get in a single good breath of air.  I think that is what I wish he understood the most... that it's not just sadness... it becomes a physical pain and it makes it so I can't get up.  

I just want to stop fighting.  

Those of you who know me from TC don't realize how much just you talking to me helps.  The distraction makes me feel better, if only for a moment.  You're all just so lovely...

I try sooo hard to remember the last time I was happy... and everytime I try... I can't help but start crying and to curl up.  I wish I could remember.  I can't.  The only parts I can remember any more are the bad ones.  My sister leaves... my dad leaves... my mom leaves... everyone left me and I was just a kid.  Now I have them all and it's like they're strangers to me.  No friends for so long... and by the time I find friends it's too late and I'm a freak who can't even speak... and when I do I make them leave to.  I had completely forgotten about the string of therapists until the other day.  I don't know if this is repression or damage from all the falls and... the bullies... but I'm scared that I don't even know my own fucking life.

Just pictures...  Just moments of utter sadness...

Now the one guy I had who helped me be happy is never there.  It's been 4 months...  I want to feel how I felt and I can't find it.  I look at a photo of him and I'm just not happy anymore.  Meanwhile poverty keeps creeping in on me...  Just scraping enough get by... It's just hard to realize some days that life is worth it at all...

So thank you UG.  You keep me along.  I just want you all to know it.  
8:55 am - 6 comments - 4 Kudos - Report!
Andrea55 wrote on Jul 13th, 2011 9:40am

Even though we don't speak as much anymore I'm here for you. Just know that you are great person and I still care for you. I hope things get better and at least you have great friends you can communicate with here. Take care. :hug:


hugh20 wrote on Jul 13th, 2011 5:47pm

:hug: Hope you're ok. Haven't talked that much but it's good to hear TC helps.


mcjosh wrote on Jul 14th, 2011 1:41am



PsiGuy60 wrote on Jul 14th, 2011 7:41pm

There's always something, or someone, worth living for.


theogonia777 wrote on Jul 16th, 2011 8:28pm

:hug: if you ever need someone to talk to about stuff, shoot me a PM. i've been through similar stuff, and it's always nice to be able to talk to people that actually have some idea what you're going through, instead of some silly psychologist who doesn't have first hand experience. in the mean time, this is worth a laugh or two:


Snowman388 wrote on Aug 7th, 2011 6:29pm

You'll get by :) We're here for you. Jason Bourne is here for you.


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