When Life Gets You Down, you try to see if someone cares...
Lately life has been a bit much. This isn't a calling out to anyone in UG, because what good is that really? You don't dump all your problems on someone you just met looking for answers, and even if you did, they'd have to be within shoulder distance... No, this is more of a diary. This is a documentation that at some point, I wrote this... and I felt this way.
Due to life, the universe, and everything... lately I've been down. Not your casual unhappiness or borderline mental illness. I actually mean full on depression. The past month for me has been proof that if it weren't for the fact that someone told me to get up each day, I'd lie there eternal.
When I get this way, it's hard (some times harder than others) to dig myself out of the grave I place for myself. People who find out I'm upset will do the awkward ritual of pity, confessing that they too have bad days. I can't take people who say they've felt the same seriously. They may have felt similar, but my ego always tells me that this pain is more mine.
In addition to a state of absolute apathy, I usually feel physical pain. My throat begins to close, and hurt as if it was sore. My stomach feels heavy, like standing or moving at all could put me off balance and make me fall. My shoulders hurt... a sense that I've been carrying a great weight for hours. My ears ring, even silence is deafening. My head feels empty... and full at the same time. EVERYTHING feels out of balance, like all equilibrium is off.
The rest of my family usually resort to some sort of pick-me-up, whether it be drugs (prescription or illegal), alcohol, sex, something. I always try to take it on strongly though. I will at some point in my listless day try to get up and accomplish something, usually an errand. I tell myself that the drive will take my mind off of things. I get out of the driveway, and that... that is when it happens. My otherwise cold body, is warmed by the piercing hot tears from my eyes. I have to use all my focus to go above 30.
While I'm in my car, the one place where no one sees me, I like to let the car ease ever so slightly to the trees that line every road. I've been in so many wrecks that I see it. I would just wedge my foot on the gas down a blind country road, and let my hands fall from the wheel. Once the car lost control, I would simply lay back and wait for the impact of death's loving embrace. Sadly, I always end up grabbing the wheel again and righting the car... letting off the gas... and continuing on my way. Each time I get just a little bit braver...
It may be in the next 10 days... or the next 10 years... but one day I will be brave enough to just let go. I can feel it.