It's been a while, but I've recently returned to UGTC and have been scanning some UG. Still haven't finished building my new computer, nor do I have the funds for a cheap laptop. Things just haven't really financially bettered around here.
Two - three weeks ago my car started to fall apart again, and I gave myself a nasty little burn at work. I sucked it up as a bad time, put my skidplate in my car, and bandaged my arm. Whatevs... I just held onto that optimism.
Things seemed like they were getting a little better, so a week ago I went to try my first hookah bar. I assumed it was just cigarette ingredients that made me sick, so I tried it while high. ...pretty fucking sure now I'm indeed allergic to tobacco products all around. While at the bar I asked the waitress if she could charge my phone for a bit. I left it for an hour. When I got my phone back I noticed several missed calls and texts wondering where I was because...
My dad had his car stolen. He decided to take a women he'd met several times at the local bar out for dinner and drinks to lift her spirits. While at the restaurant she asks for his keys because she's left her cigarettes in the car. He passes them off. The woman drives off with his new SUV that he saved and waited for... and had only had in his possession for two weeks.
He spent the next day in bed, purposely grounding himself there by "mixing up his medications" and I went to work. When I came home I found a note on the TV saying that he had tried to watch it, and it started smoking and fried.
I tried to text my bf to console me, because even though these things happened mainly to my dad, it means I'm having to make sure he's going to be okay, drive him around, etc. My bf then berates me for being high and out smoking... going on to complain that the reason I'm poor is because of the $50 I spend on myself a month. He goes on to say that I should try harder and that he has over $10.000 saved up... and doesn't' see why it's so hard for me. My bf has rich parents, all of his newer vehicles were purchased for him. He has had every advantage, works 40 hours a week, and every cent he earns is disposable income because he lives with his parents. His monthly budget breakers? Car insurance, cell phone, dog food.
[Side Story] The funny thing is I started smoking weed to avoid pills. I didn't smoke or drink, but my health was getting worse and the stress was making me think the world around me was worse than it was. I kept coughing, kept getting dizzy, kept having pain, but couldn't afford to pay the doctors. Without anyone there for me, no parents, no bf to comfort me, a depression I thought was long gone began creeping back in. It got harder to breathe... A friend of mine took pity and passed me an eighth for my birthday. My cough stopped, the pain subsided, and my stress was gone.
Before everything went to shit, my uplifting thoughts of the past week were based around fixing up and selling my car, buying a better one, and pinching some pennies for a road trip to see some fellow TCers. Now my car is the one relied on until the cops find my dad's or he buys another one. I'm stuck with this blinking check engine light...
Whether it be solely this, or a combination with my sadness, I began to have what I believe to be a crohn's flare-up. It's what my nursing major sister diagnosed, it's what the gastroenterologist wanted to do tests for, and it's what my symptoms line up perfectly for. Combined with the allergic reaction of the smoke I began to feel some intense pain. Despite it all I tried to keep going to work, often having to hold myself up or sit on the floor. I wanted to cry. My coworkers took pity and let me leave early after I lost control of my bladder, pissed myself, and had to go home and change. All the while I couldn't find solace from the helper of the past few months, weed, because I needed to breathe in as much clean air as possible.
My bf continued to condescend to me over texts so I eventually just came to a rant explaining my crohn's problems, something he didn't even know about because we never talk about that sort of thing... Heartbreak over, break-up imminent.
So just to recap: Allergic Reaction, Crohn's Flare-up, Dad's Car Stolen, TV Burnt Out, Car Problems, No BF
[Second Side Story] I have an uncle in Michigan who I haven't been able to see as much as I want because of the distance. He's eccentric, fun, and just flat out crazy. My grandparents all passed when I was younger, so he's the closest thing I've had my whole life to a grandparent. My cousin's don't take care of their father/grandfather and so he hired a woman to keep him from an assisted living home. My plan during the summer was to drive up, see him, and spend a couple of days with him because I don't think he realizes how much he means to me.
The next thing I found out was in a message from the daughter of my uncle's caregiver. She treated him like she was his true granddaughter and is a fucking awesome individual. Her message was to tell me that my uncle had slipped into a coma... He won't be there for me this summer after all...
All of these events occurred within two days. It's been almost a week now and I can smoke weed again finally to dull the pains and can eat well again.
I think the only reason I'm still here is because of people in TC. To have someone to talk to about all of this.
I wish for once I could post something positive...
I thought that since my guy helped me get my new car, that it was a sign he... idk... would talk to me or see me more. I got too optimistic too soon, I suppose. This is why I can't allow money to buy my affection. Flowers, candy, jewelry, dinner... it will never work on me. I mean if he hadn't helped me get the other car, then it would have simply been business as usual. I'd still be making car payments... the world would have kept on spinning. I just thought that... spending that amount of money... just because I asked... might have meant that... I meant enough to him to deserve it. Instead I'm once again in the position where it's been a week... and I haven't heard from him.
I'm not having a bad day right now, it can easily be turned around. All it would even take would just be one person to ask about my fucking day... but instead I get on TC... just to have people call me a bitch... just to have them tell me that no one in there cares about me and that they hate me. Feels fantastic. I ask them to please drop it and change the subject... and instead I have to "learn my lesson"...
All I ask for at the end of the day is that one person will talk to me and care... and instead I end up crying like a bitch and typing a pathetic UG blog. I fucking hate myself.
Do you realize how hard it is... to look in the mirror... and realize that this pockmarked face belongs to someone who makes min. wage at a shitty job, tries to support both her parents, help her sister, and still comes away at the end of the day with nothing to show for it. Someone whose own bf can't find the time in a day to just drop a text message...
I'm worth less than the dirt on my floor. I'm worth less than the crumpled spiders on the water damaged floor that is supposed to be my bedroom.
It's just too bad you can't die from panic attacks...
Tomorrow I'm going to hate myself more for this post... because this emotional and dramatic person isn't me. Me is the girl who still drops her books and runs through the park because she realizes they have swings... Me is the person who wants to draw... and paint... and learn guitar... and walk barefoot through the grass to a tree just to sit and watch the day... Me is the girl who isn't afraid and it kills me that it's just that hard to see that person... for myself and for the people who might see me in passing...
So... I don't know what this is but... I'm not so miserable lately. Maybe the heat break is a lead to optimism? Maybe I just needed to be busier? I just feel more distracted I guess.
I'm still not happy... but I feel different. I guess I want to live. haha
Allow me to break it down.
First... I don't really feel hunger anymore. I finally got back to this feeling of fine and dandy again. Not eat for a day or two, but not feel the need. It takes a while to get here... hunger pains usually win... but that's passed now. Since I don't feel hunger, I've got no reason to be upset I'm not eating. I just go about my day... It's not a limiting thing either. I can play with my dogs, go through a day of work, etc. So that's nice...
I had to pay for a speeding ticket yesterday, but I'm not any more broke than usual because my hours are up at work... So, debt is meh. Even though I have no job in it yet, a wonderful dentist friend of mine is letting me come by as I please to shadow and learn more of what's expected in a dental office so that when the time comes I'll be ready and remember. She may even recommend me for this new place in town if I do well... and just that chance is spirit-lifting.
Since the heat is down due to occasional rain and whatnot... I don't feel so bad there. It's still not cool by any means (still 30-35C/85-95F), but yanno... less sweaty and uncomfortable I guess.
And finally hobbies...
I've missed drawing, but I never know what to draw. My project of drawing all the TCers... that challenge... idk it's kinda fun. I just hope no one is mad when they look less like a portrait and more like a caricature.
Reading always offers a world to escape to. I've got more things to dream about and think about and that makes me smile.
My incredible friend Buddha is teaching me guitar despite my being a difficult pupil. Oh, and apparently what I'm learning on is what is known as a Les Paul... /knowledge. I'll figure this all out eventually haha
And lastly... music... music in general is keeping me here. It has this uncanny ability of unraveling what you're thinking, and making it beautiful. Just a few days ago I was thinking of all my friends across the pond... and what should reveal itself again but Transatlanticism. I hear the song and imagine myself standing on a deserted beach trying to decipher the answer to the question of how I'll make it there one day. I saw the grey water.. the pale sand... the sky was gold though... that horizon... idk... I just like it when I can see music.
So, I'm trying hard again to dig out of depression... but it's difficult. My least favorite thing to hear is for me to just get happy because if it were so simple... well... I'm not simple. I know that. Right now I'm in love with someone, and I'm not ready to give up on him, especially not when I wanted a future with him. We've been apart so long though that I can't remember him. It scares me. I don't want to forget him but my memory is so horrible that it happens. I find myself trying to replace the hole by talking to people who remind me of him, but it's just not enough. No matter what I say though I just can't seem to communicate my desperation to him. It feels like my heart won't beat like it should... It feels like my lungs won't expand enough for me to get in a single good breath of air. I think that is what I wish he understood the most... that it's not just sadness... it becomes a physical pain and it makes it so I can't get up.
I just want to stop fighting.
Those of you who know me from TC don't realize how much just you talking to me helps. The distraction makes me feel better, if only for a moment. You're all just so lovely...
I try sooo hard to remember the last time I was happy... and everytime I try... I can't help but start crying and to curl up. I wish I could remember. I can't. The only parts I can remember any more are the bad ones. My sister leaves... my dad leaves... my mom leaves... everyone left me and I was just a kid. Now I have them all and it's like they're strangers to me. No friends for so long... and by the time I find friends it's too late and I'm a freak who can't even speak... and when I do I make them leave to. I had completely forgotten about the string of therapists until the other day. I don't know if this is repression or damage from all the falls and... the bullies... but I'm scared that I don't even know my own fucking life.
Just pictures... Just moments of utter sadness...
Now the one guy I had who helped me be happy is never there. It's been 4 months... I want to feel how I felt and I can't find it. I look at a photo of him and I'm just not happy anymore. Meanwhile poverty keeps creeping in on me... Just scraping enough get by... It's just hard to realize some days that life is worth it at all...
So thank you UG. You keep me along. I just want you all to know it.
When Life Gets You Down, you try to see if someone cares...
Lately life has been a bit much. This isn't a calling out to anyone in UG, because what good is that really? You don't dump all your problems on someone you just met looking for answers, and even if you did, they'd have to be within shoulder distance... No, this is more of a diary. This is a documentation that at some point, I wrote this... and I felt this way.
Due to life, the universe, and everything... lately I've been down. Not your casual unhappiness or borderline mental illness. I actually mean full on depression. The past month for me has been proof that if it weren't for the fact that someone told me to get up each day, I'd lie there eternal.
When I get this way, it's hard (some times harder than others) to dig myself out of the grave I place for myself. People who find out I'm upset will do the awkward ritual of pity, confessing that they too have bad days. I can't take people who say they've felt the same seriously. They may have felt similar, but my ego always tells me that this pain is more mine.
In addition to a state of absolute apathy, I usually feel physical pain. My throat begins to close, and hurt as if it was sore. My stomach feels heavy, like standing or moving at all could put me off balance and make me fall. My shoulders hurt... a sense that I've been carrying a great weight for hours. My ears ring, even silence is deafening. My head feels empty... and full at the same time. EVERYTHING feels out of balance, like all equilibrium is off.
The rest of my family usually resort to some sort of pick-me-up, whether it be drugs (prescription or illegal), alcohol, sex, something. I always try to take it on strongly though. I will at some point in my listless day try to get up and accomplish something, usually an errand. I tell myself that the drive will take my mind off of things. I get out of the driveway, and that... that is when it happens. My otherwise cold body, is warmed by the piercing hot tears from my eyes. I have to use all my focus to go above 30.
While I'm in my car, the one place where no one sees me, I like to let the car ease ever so slightly to the trees that line every road. I've been in so many wrecks that I see it. I would just wedge my foot on the gas down a blind country road, and let my hands fall from the wheel. Once the car lost control, I would simply lay back and wait for the impact of death's loving embrace. Sadly, I always end up grabbing the wheel again and righting the car... letting off the gas... and continuing on my way. Each time I get just a little bit braver...
It may be in the next 10 days... or the next 10 years... but one day I will be brave enough to just let go. I can feel it.
Sunday night my dad told me I had to take him to the ER. My dad has always been a sickly fellow. There's no surprise there. If he asks to be taken to the hospital though, you know something is wrong. We get in the car and he says I can probably just drive for a bit and we'd turn around. He said he didn't want to go for nothing and assumed it was nothing. I told him we'd go anyways to be sure.
His blood pressure was 202/135 or something fucked up. I can never remember the bottom number but I KNOW the 202 part. Without any medicine at all within 30 mins it dropped to a top number of 141. The doctors were all WTF face... made him stay for tests. Tuesday, they made a diagnosis of blockages in his heart. Wednesday, they said it was going to be a quadruple bypass.
I'm usually not worried about him because he always comes out of it fighting. He beat so many things, even cancer, in the past... Why should this be any different? Then I heard him tell the nurse all of his wishes. He said yes to DNR... an acronym for Do not recessitate.
Today he went in for his surgery. In two and a half hours they will pull his breathing tubes and take him off of anesthesia. If he can breathe on his own, tomorrow I get to talk to my dad. If he can't, they can't really help him too much, and I won't have a dad anymore.
I keep having panic attacks, I want to perpetually vomit, and my guy who should be here for me, can't see me. I want to die so I don't have to deal with the pain of not knowing whether or not this house will remain empty and whether or not I get to tell my dad I love him again. My chest hurts so bad and I want to shatter into a million pieces.
...actually that's a lie. I'm hardly looking. Lethargy and apathy and all that. The stress is starting to kick in a bit now though. Can't let them repossess my car when I'm just a couple grand away from owning it for reals. Payment plans only work if you have a job by the way.
Typing a new blog entry is difficult because I keep stopping. I leave only to come back to a few lines. My life is pretty lame right now and I have nothing to really say.
At my place there's a sunroom-type area between my room (living room) and the outside. I leave the door to the sunroom open so I can let my dogs out more easily. I kept hearing a bird, but paid it no attention because I always hear birds. This one sounded like it was singing Perfect Situation. The vocalization parts obviously. Anyways I unknowingly sent my dogs to attack a bird. Panicked it flew around the room looking for escape only to keep bashing its head into the windows. I made my dogs go down the steps and stand outside while I tried to direct it to the big gaping doorway. After the poor thing's many failed attempts it shot out to freedom.
No deep meanings here. Just saying I saw a bird
Also this is my room. It's not nearly as tidy at the moment. Dirty laundry and empty plates. I may fix that today.
The sentence is over! The beloved YLYL is closed though. =[ Carmel says no more. I had ideas for OC but now don't really care cause I don't know where to post... I did however do some light spam of new work in Are you fucking kidding me?
Hopefully someone will appreciate.
RAWR I have a new 8-5 job. Soon there shall be money so WOOOOOOO. Maybe this means playing frisbee golf... maybe it means learning an actual instrument... either way I'm psyched!
I've been playing WoW a lot. It's slow goings because I get distracted... but soon I should have a few 60s... then I can make them all 70s... and so forth... can't just do one at a time... nonono
Annnnd.... that's about it for now. Anyone want to throw out ideas for a thread? Guaranteed dump no matter the topic.
Probably for the best though if it is a temporary ban. Hardly anyone knows who I am anyways since I just now decided to join the UG community. It will give me time to work on original material for You Laugh You Lose and to work on the song I've been writing.
Not pissed about it. Just more surprised than anything. I thought there would be like a warning or something.