Overcome by procrastination,
Too consumed in recreation,
I try to solve this complex equation,
To you it's mental masturbation,
Intellectual strength and domination.
You sigh out of indignation,
As I call out in high elation.
Twisted up in great frustration,
You try to leave this conversation,
But you know that it's your obligation
To be the object of my fascination.
I will lead you through the subway station
As you lash out in desperation,
Unaware of our destination.
You exceed my expectation,
And now I offer explanation.
You have given me much inspiration,
And ensured in me the facilitation
Of the growth and cultivation
Of my childhood imagination,
As I fell into infatuation.
Um, you can have fun explaining it to yourself. It kind of took a weird route as I was writing it, because I was bored and had nothing else to do. This is what happens when I get bored. I was listening to Van Halen, and there's a song where Sammy Hagar refers to mental masturbation (One Way to Rock, I think. Not actually a VH song, but it's on the live CD), and that line inspired me to write this.
Take for example, comedian Josh Blue. He has cerebral palsy. He's also
the funniest motherfucker to ever have a Comedy Central special. That's
compared to the likes of Kevin James, Jim Gaffigan, Mike Birbiglia,
Dane Cook (I can't stand him but a lot of people like him), Carlos
Mencia, George Lopez, Kyle Cease, Brian Regan, the list can go on...
Joke for joke, I must say that Josh Blue is one of the best comedians
around. And he is comfortable making fun of his "disabilities". There
wasn't a joke that didn't have me laughing!
"Is my arm bothering you?"
"Yeah"
"Well it's been bothering me for 29 years. Your turn!"
Maybe it's much funnier in person...
But I don't intend this to be a glowing review of his work. I'm just
recommending that, on days when you feel like absolute shit, it doesn't
hurt to smile a little bit. It doesn't hurt to split your sides with
laughter. In fact, I think that laughter is as essential to good health
as exercise and proper diet! It's good for the body, good for the soul,
good for the mind. You get to release emotions that you otherwise don't
get to normally release. Makes you feel good. Releases endorphins and
serotonin and other neurotransmitters that make you feel good (I think
so, at least).
Comedians, musicians, artists, writers... they're doctors for the soul.
If you're sad, don't watch a sad movie, or listen to sad music, or read
a sad book. Watch something funny, take your mind off the negative, and
focus on the positive. Thinking negatively only sets you up for
failure. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, because you expect yourself
to do terribly, so you don't try as hard.
Everybody has a bad day. It's inevitable. We're human. It's okay to be
sad once in a while. But do yourself a favor, and just have fun! I
don't want to live in a sad, emo, depressed world where everybody hates
their life and everything and everyone around.
I'm a die-hard optimist. I compensate by thinking positive thoughts. I
compensate by putting on an air of confidence, even when I'm nervous as
hell. Don't let the negative take control of your mind. Don't let bad
thoughts fill your mind. Fight for your right to be happy!
If it helps, be like Josh Blue. Kick negativity's ass. Make fun of it.
Laugh at it, ridicule it, make those negative feelings feel like shit,
and make those negative feelings shrivel up and die! You'll feel good,
you'll make other people feel good, and a positive outlook attracts
other positive people, and surrounding yourself with positive people
makes you feel better.
Yesterday, I went to Voigt (local music shop- they're real great there. If you're ever in my area, go there!) to purchase cleaning products for my guitar.
Jennifer (my guitar) has gotten dirty since her last cleaning, and it's been a damn
long time. And her strings were starting to rust. I take that back. Her
strings were rusty as hell. The fretboard was covered in sweat and dirt
and dust, and their were fingerprints all over her body- front, back,
neck, headstock. Not to mention, Jennifer's gold hardware... it ain't
so gold no more.
I waited until around 10:30 PM to get started. Had to go to a
basketball game, and when I got home, my sister was here with Noah, my
month-old nephew, and I was drafted into holding him while my sister
browsed the internet, and my mother was doing something random. The
same could be said of my father.
I undress Jennifer gently, winding down the strings and detuning them
until I could pull them off of the pegs and out of the hole. I went
through this process six times, until she was naked of her strings. I
pulled off the bridge piece, and pulled out the polishing cloth and
polishing solution I had purchased several hours before.
I sprayed a sufficient quantity of polish (Dunlop Formula 65) onto her
backside, and began rubbing gently with the cloth. I had spread the
solution around, and had gotten her to start shining. I flipped the
cloth around, and began buffing with the dry side, making sure to wipe
away all the marks of our time together. I had not only restored
Jennifer to the quality of when I received her, as the label
proclaimed, but I had brought out more beauty than I can recall ever
having seen.
I continued to polish the rest of her body carefully, taking out all of
the blood, sweat and tears that had accumulated over her surface since
her last cleaning. The cloth started to look dirty, but I was not done
yet. I took out the Dunlop Lemon Oil, specifically designed to be used
on such a guitar as mine, with a dark fretboard.
I vigorously shook the bottle until at last the lemon oil flowed into
the dobbing pad. I wiped a sufficient amount between the frets, and
carefully began wiping away the accumulation of many hours of musical
concentration. The wood was dirty and dry prior to this process. Now,
it had life to it. It was clean and lubricated, good for going through
some nice bluesy solos, and seamless chord changes.
I opened the pack of strings after having cleaned the bridge piece.
SHIT! I bought the wrong string size! I had a pack of Elixirs, which
was good- Dave recommended them after I asked which had the best
longevity of tone. I had intended to get .10-.48 string gauge, but I
ended up with .11-.49 gauge strings. Oh well... I planned on playing a
half step below standard most of the time anyway, and thicker strings
will compensate for tension.
Jennifer has been restored beyond what she ever could have been. Beyond
beauty I have ever known. I am privileged to have in my possession such
a beautiful guitar, both tonally and visually.
I could have seen it coming a couple few miles away. A while ago, when
all this economy bullshit started coming up, I thought to myself, "Hmm... you know what this reminds me of? The Great Depression!"
And you know what? There are quite a few assholes who study the economy
who would not have agreed with me back then, but would agree with me
now.
I will make no claim that I am an economical genius. In fact, I don't
care about economics. If I did care, I would have taken more business
classes than Beginning Keyboarding. Instead, I prefer to study history.
Look at it this way: Markets are unpredictable. History is.
Looking at recent history, here is something I do not understand:
Republicans are still pushing tax cuts as the way to cure our economic
woes. Tax cuts? Am I hearing this right? Isn't that kind of what George W. Bush was pushing?
And... um... well, I don't think it exactly worked out. Maybe the whole
point of the tax cut is to do something to make it look like you're
doing something, even if it is the stupidest fucking thing you could do.
I don't agree with the "stimulus" package. I don't agree with any form
of a bailout. That's not the way a market works. If a company fails, IT FAILS!
I don't give a damn how "important" a company is to America. If some
executives are making bad moves for a company, shouldn't they be
treated like, um, regular people? For example, if I worked at
Taco Bell, and was in charge of the drive-through window, and Customer
A ordered three tacos and a Mountain Dew, and I gave him nachos and
Sierra Mist, shouldn't my manager take me aside, and tell me, "If you
can't do your job right, you're fired". And if I keep messing up
orders, I'm out of there.
If you are the head of a company, however, the rules must change. You
can take a company, run it into the ground, and either keep your job,
or walk away AS IF THE COMPANY OWED YOU SOMETHING!
That there is not a golden parachute. Oh no... that's a golden
parachute, a golden Boeing 747 with all the nice touches, with your own
golden airport waiting for you to land, where waits your golden
Rolls-Royce to take you to your golden mansion! And all that for
running a company into the ground? Wow, either the Commies were right
in calling us capitalist pigs, or people who run companies have been
personally ordained by God himself.
Here's how you don't fix an economy: Don't give money to companies who
are not creating jobs. Don't give money to "The Big Three". They aren't
creating
jobs. Evidence: Janesville, Wisconsin. General Motors is not opening up
factories, they do not plan on opening up factories. In fact, they are closing
factories. You don't throw money to people who aren't productive, or
are not going to do anything productive with it. That's what we average Americans would call WASTING.
What you do is this: create jobs. Public works. We have two problems in America.
Problem one. Our infrastructure is aging.
Problem two. We need jobs.
Hmmm... this is rather difficult...
In algebra, there's a thing called linear combination. (I
will kill any asshole who makes fun of my math situation). Linear
combination is taking two problems and putting them together to reach a
solution.
What we could do here, with our economic situation, is combine our need
for infrastructure with our need for jobs. In theory, if you hire
people to build roads and bridges, we will have a better quality of
roads and bridges, and people working. And people working puts money
into the economy, because people work to buy things, and if people buy
things, and buy houses and cars, and go places, then people will start
selling houses, and it will be a friendlier market for houses and cars.
Stocks will rise, more people will invest in American companies,
American assets gain value, America is exporting more, getting money,
and then eventually pays off its debts to the world. Problem solved.
I'm oversimplifying, of course. Just creating jobs by building
infrastructure is not all that it's going to take to help our economy.
But it is a necessary step, and is the most immediate solution we can
start on. And then we work on market regulations. Don't let companies
do stupid shit like give loans to people who won't be able to pay them
back. Go back to the old days, when accountability meant that somebody
was responsible for something.
Responsibility. If there was some way to hold people accountable for
what they do, maybe people would act a little more intelligently. If
there was a way to make people care about the rest of the world,
quality of life would be so much better. If responsibility still meant
something in today's world where a drive-thru has replaced home-cooked
food, where pills replace psychological counseling, where incarceration
replaces therapy, if responsibility meant something, this world would
be so much better.
I took a look at my report card. And realized something: I am the stupidest, laziest, and least motivated motherfucker to ever not totally fail at life. I'm not a pothead. In fact, I am actually lower in class rank than some potheads in my grade! What the F?
Anyway, yeah. In my advisory, which I estimate probably contains the top 25% of the senior class, I sit here, ranked 220 of 338. While everybody talks about their applications to Madison and Platteville and La Crosse and everywhere else, here I sit, having started several college applications, and not even having the motivation to even finish filling those out. While everybody talks about their cars and jobs, here I sit, without a job, without a car.
Here I sit, lacking almost every single sign of success, of intelligence, and yet, I am not a failure! I don't know how it happens. I don't know how such a lazy and stupid person like myself could get so far without somebody holding me back and saying, "Look, you're just not smart enough for this".
Here I sit, lazy and stupid. And yet, somehow, I manage to survive! Somehow, I manage to get by, I manage to learn more than people who try, I manage to come out on the good side of things.
I'm not stupid in that I don't understand, or that I don't try to understand. I am stupid for not displaying my understanding. I am stupid by not doing homework. Fuck, I haven't even done the civic engagement project yet. It was due last semester.
I know what you're thinking. "You're proud of yourself?"
No. I am not. I am not proud of the situation I am in. I am not proud of barely managing to pass a class that I should have (yeah, thank you School Dicks of Gaysville) taken in EIGHTH GRADE. Or not trying to even make something happen from what I had. I am not proud of being the most idiotic intellectual. I am not proud of what I have done.
What I am proud of is the successes that I do have. And I am damn sure that anything that I have accomplished is on par with the accomplishments of anybody around me. Here I sit, lazy and stupid, but no less than anybody else.
It has recently come to my attention that perception is reality, but
reality is not truth. The whole concept of truth and what it means to
be right is very complicated. I believe that truth has come to be a
consensus of fact by today's standards. I'm sure we could all agree
that, based upon the fact that it is a clear day, the sky is blue. Or
that because there is a blue sky, it is a clear day. It's a true
statement because it's a consensus of fact. Perception is reality. But perception is also the largest source of distraction and distortion. We all see what we want to see because that's what we are looking for. It's called our schema. We've been programmed- in very slight and subtle ways- to see the world, to perceive the world, in a certain way. That affects how wee see things. That's how we form opinions, based upon our perception of the world. And there are several things that affect this.
The most basic is uncontrollable factors. The family you are born into. A person born of a single mother struggling to keep up is going to have a different view of the world than a child born into a house with two parents who need not worry about money. Genetics. An African American sees the world differently than an Asian American. Gender. Men see one thing, women see another. Those are uncontrollable factors.
The second factor is environment. Where you are and who you around. This only comes into play after those uncontrollable factors have had their affect. You are first affected by that first set of schema, and make your choice on your environment based upon that mindset you've been programmed into from genetics and family. You might make a positive association with your schema- you like your family, so you choose to be like them- or a negative association- you don't like your family and move in the opposite direction. And the people you choose to be around are those that affect your perception of the world.
The third level is ego. My definition of ego is focus upon the individual. There's a certain level of ego that is "acceptable" in today's society. We like people when they succeed, but it's when they feel that they are better than anybody else that we have had too much of it. It is not only the ego of the beholder, but the ego of the subject, that distorts perception. It's like looking through the lens at an object. Your ego is the eye. And their ego is the lens.
Everybody sees the world, and people in this world, in different ways. Almost everybody in the world would agree with the statement, "Adolf Hitler was an evil man". There are those who would disagree, and would say, "Hitler was doing the right thing". Who was right? The way I perceive things, I would say Hitler was a crazy bastard. That's because my beliefs and values tell me it is wrong to kill and discriminate.
Sometimes the line isn't so clear, as it is with Hitler. Sometimes it's just a person with very little historical impact, and no real line between good and bad. And it all depends on how the person in question is perceived, taking into account all the distorting factors and biases. Sometimes, somebody sees one action as wrong, when to another, it is perfectly fine. Saying who is right is never easy.
There's another thing that I believe about people: We all have the capacity to love, and we all have the capacity to hate. Inside all of us, there are a deep set of morals, values, and beliefs. We are never able to shut down that part of our brain. That is what makes us human.
Taking into account those uncontrollable factors, the environment, and my own ego, I see the world differently than other people. Nobody is going to have the same opinion as I have for the same reasons I do. It's inevitable that there will be disagreement. That is what makes us human. And knowing when to withhold an opinion is what makes us honest and truthful.
I feel like we have become great friends over this past year. Although it has come to the point at which we say farewell, and welcome in a new partner in time, I felt like we shouldn't just leave off so suddenly. That would be a terrible tragedy to just forget about you and all the memories we have made together! No, I would rather reflect upon what we have done for each other, what has happened with us. My dear friend, you were great to me, and a springboard for better things to come. Thank you, 2008.
I remember being called upon in band to play the trumpet solo in Folk Song Suite. Yes, it was a lot of work, and it required that I spend many weekends locked up in my room practicing trumpet. But it helped me grow! It gave me confidence- I learned how to be confident, how to be heard, how to be recognized! And playing it at the concert- I was nervous as a duck, I was! Oh, but you helped me through the good and the bad. I felt terrible when I messed up the solos in rehearsal, but it all eventually turned out for the best.
I remember asking Katrina to go to prom. Again, I was nervous... if I had boots on, I could say I was shakin' in my boots! And the weeks leading up to prom, I didn't know what to do! I had never done this before, and was astounded she accepted my invitation! Everything worked out rather well, though. It was rather convenient that my friend also had his eye on her friend, so a group was formed, and we did all go together. We stopped at Nicole's house first, and I could hear my heart pounding, adrenaline rushing in, wondering if I was going to say something stupid, or be able to say anything at all. Driving around in Kris's truck was fun, the food at Applebees was great. The walk we took around Traxler Park, as flooded as it was, relaxed me. Taking Katrina into my arms as we danced, I looked at her- all that beauty, intelligence... perfection in a womanly embodiment. Later that night, I learned it was not to be, and friends we would remain. Eventually, I decided to cut it off. She was a beautiful, rising sun. But she was not in my horizon.
Cruising around with the SHR gang (Those who know not, need not know) was marginally fun. I preffered the conversation as opposed to the cruising, and it would have been okay with me to just talk about stuff. I don't think I have much to say about it. But getting pulled over... that was something... Shane and the Blue Cruiser, as I call it, they were inseperable. Yeah, I know, you had to take them apart... but maybe it was for the best. Hey, at least you saved the neons!
Those night of debauchery, the Happy Newspaper, and sneaking into the school at odd hours of the night (Those who know not, need not know) were great. Buying ten tacos for ten dollars in Beloit ("How did you get in here? We're closed,") was unforgettable. Two words: Fire sauce. That fun eventually came to a close.
I was named Drum Major. You gave me a chance, 2008. You gave me a chance. You didn't kick me to the curb like so many other years, or give me a mere taste of what greatness was (Yeah, '07, I'm talking to you...), but you let me have it, and gave me what I needed most. Confidence. And being drum major just skyrocketed me up to the top. Finally... some recognition!
Unfortunately, 2008, we must part ways. Exit reality, and enter my memories. There is so much to remember, so many great happenings, that I cannot begin, or end, in this simple letter. Such is life. One year cannot define a life, but it can serve as reference. So, let me say that, in retrospect, 2008 was my year of confidence. My year to learn what I could be, what I could do, what I could have.
I look forward to greeting your brother, 2009. I hope that together, we can make 2009 my year of no regrets. I will be graduating high school. I don't know for sure what I will be doing afterwards, but I am looking to join the Navy. It would also be fulfilling to be named recipient for the 2008 John Philip Sousa award. I have worked very hard in band, put much time and effort into band, and do what I can to make it more lively and entertaining, while also displaying a strong work ethic.
2008, you helped me. And all I can say is thank you for those 365 days of insanity. It can only get better from here, and it's all because of what happened between us.
No, no... this isn't going to be an "emo" blog entry. I'm not going to cry and say, "I suck at life, I'm a failure!" because, in the world as I see it, failure ain't all that bad! You're probably thinking, "Well, how can you succeed if you fail?" and there is some clear logic in that thinking. However, you would still be wrong in the assumption that those who fail do not succeed.
My logic is this: There is no learning without failure. Let's take it as a mathematical proof.
If you fail, then you will learn. If you learn, then you will succeed. Therefore, if you fail, you will succeed.
That's oversimplifying, of course. It all depends on how you accept the failure, and what you do with what you learned. Not everybody learns from their failures, however, and continue to attempt the same action repeatedly expecting a different result. As my band director has said many times, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result".
Accepting failure is the first part. The next part is analyzing what went wrong, correcting the mistake, and continuing this process until the desired result is achieved. It also helps to define the term "success". Is success producing artificial light? Is success finding the correct coordinate pair that satisfies the equation? Is success having lots o' money? Then define failure. More than saying, failure is not reaching the standards of success, it must be an ultimatum. Failure means I will not try again. Failure means I will change the process. Failure means I will take what I can and move on.
Defining success and failure are the first steps. And what you define as success might not be the same as everybody else. Some people define success on the guitar as being able to put a few chords together and make a simple song out of it. For others, it's all about being like Steve Vai or Joe Satriani. To each his own.
Failure is a starting line for education. Learn from mistakes. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Take it in stride. Don't dwell on failure. Take from it whatever you can, and use it as a tool to achieve the goals you have set. It doesn't hurt to have a little confidence and take a chance, either!
And yet, I still don't give a damn. It's CHRISTmas time, and yet... I really could care less. It only happens once a year, thank whatever god you believe in, and it can't pass by soon enough. It doesn't help that everybody likes to jump the fucking gun and get ready for Christmas before we're even done celebrating Thanksgiving (which I find to be a useless holiday, seeing as we can only take out ONE fucking day out the THREE HUNDRED SIXTY POINT TWO-FIVE to be thankful)
What truly perplexes me is, how the hell did Christmas become such a damn freak show? Black Friday is my least favorite day of the whole year. I despise it, I do not understand it. It turns into a fucking animalistic orgy of violence, consumerism, and advertising. Is a fucking plasma TV worth somebody's life? IS IT FUCKING WORTH IT???
How in the name of all that is holy, unholy, dead and alive, did a plasma TV become so important that we must trample helpless employess just to get it? Is this television really going to make the life of somebody that much better? Is it really going to make life worth living for somebody? Is it going to love them, feed a family, play with a child and teach them valuable lessons, give fond memories, generate happiness?
Sure, short-term, a plasma TV might be the greatest fucking thing on the face of the earth. Until a better television comes out, of course. It might make Joe Smith the happiest man on the planet- it's just the perfect thing for his SuperBowl party this year!
Joe is having a great Christmas morning! He's got the new plasma TV, he got his wife a nice diamond necklace, a Lexus for his seventeen year-old daughter who's the prettiest girl in school, a supercomputer for his twelve year-old son- it's the best Christmas ever!
Jdimytai Damour won't be celebrating Christmas. Big deal, right? Lots o' people don't celebrate Christmas! It's not like anybody is forcing them to celebrate this most Christian of holidays!
Well, that's not the problem. He doesn't have a choice in the matter. Not because of religion. Not because of money. Not because of lack of love, faith, or whatever. The only thing he lacks that would be vital to celebrating Christmas- or any holiday- or any day at all- is life.
Lots o' people die before Christmas!
True. How am I going to deny that? It's foolish to say that just because a holiday is coming up, Jesus magicly makes everybody invincible just so they can celebrate his "birthday".
However, Mr. Damour died on Black Friday. At a Wal-Mart. Trampled to death. By "Black Friday" fuckwads who needed that plasma TV, Nintendo Wii, XBox360 and various other toys so much that it was definitely worth it to savagely trample this man.
Black Friday, supposedly, gets its name from the huge profits that arise from everybody getting the Christmas shopping done. My definition of Black Friday: a violent, bloody, brutal example of animalistic consumerism and greed. It's a bloodsport!
So, because some stupid bitch-ass whore (pretty much all of the Black Friday shoppers are women, and there are stats to prove it), because of a plasma TV and Nintendo Wii, this man will not be able to be with his family, or children (if he had any).
Not only this. But, where is the Christ in C-H-R-I-S-T-mas? The hero of Christmas is "Santa Claus". A marketing technique of genius! Tell children a jolly old fatass dressed in red lives in an isolated area with a bunch of animals and elves, and every year he gets out with his reindeer in his magical sled, and magicly sneaks into all the houses in the world to deliver presents.
You know what Santa sounds like to me? A pedophile. Worst yet, children are more likely to identify Ronald McDonald, Santa, and the Easter Bunny before they even know who Jesus is. Now, what do all these characters have in common? They are fictitious. But, at least there is a point to the supposed existence of Jesus. The rest are just advertisment whores.
Christmas in not even the most Christian of holidays. Christianity has become so full of paganism, that Christianity is probably one of the most deeply pagan-rooted religions out there! I could go on and on about how it's all astronomical, who Easter arose from pagan tradition, how this, how that, how everything under the sun.
Fact of the matter is, a man died over a fucking plasma television.
I watched A Clockwork Orange the other day. And I must say- it is fucking awesome. I don't know how I lived my life before I saw this movie! The acting is great, the plot is great- the best thing I like about this movie: the music! A great variety of electronic and orchestral music comes together to make a very good soundtrack, which I cannot stop listening to!
If you haven't seen this movie, punch yourself in the balls and go rent it, or download it like I did, or something. Just see it. I might note- if you don't know anything about this movie, there are a lot of boobies. Which just makes it that much better.
Well, I'm not writing this with only the purpose of letting you know how enlightened I am after having seen this great peice of film. Slightly on-topic: I saw Quantum of Solace. I missed an apparently critical movie when I almost pissed myself. I didn't want to miss anything, but that fuckin' Mountain Dew was playing tricks with me bladder and there was nothing I could do but hold it in, suffer and see the film, or piss and be able to concentrate on the movie instead of intensly focusing on not pissing myself. I came back to my seat, and I didn't know what the fuck was going on...
CGI in a Bond film just doesn't feel right. There are some places a Bond film can go, but using CGI is not something I think is right for a Bond film. I also was not able to follow the storyline very well, but then again that's because it's been a long time since I've seen Casino Royale and forgot what the fuck that movie was all about.
I've got a band concert coming up soon. I've got to play ten songs. Ten motherfucking songs... I'm not going to be able to do it. Five for Jazz Band, three for Wind Ensemble, and two for the combined bands. And it is going to be a bitch to get through all of that. Jazz goes first. I'm probably not going to be able to even survive through Jazz alone. I've got... possibly four solos in Jazz band, and another in Wind Ensemble. I'm not going to survive through those...
I'm done. I didn't really have anything much to say. I just got bored...
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E V H 5150's blogs, last updated : May 10, 2009
