I've been having trouble sleeping lately. So I did what any sane a rational person does when confronted by the shuffling monster of insomnia. I went to the goddamn store to get some Nyquil. As I walked past the shelves, red-eyed and swearing faster than a scandinavian with Tourettes, I noticed something strange. IN place of the Nyquil, there was NO Nyquil. There was some Theraflu shit. As I said to myself 'WHAT FOUL TRICK IS THIS, THAT DARE SMASH MY 'QUIL IN TWAIN' with a roar, and a swift kick to the nearest employee, I saw out of the very corner of my eye a sight that I at first mistook for a hallucination.
But this was not like the others, backward-mouthed and loathing. It was wearing a bright pink shirt and a nametag that read 'Ken'. This was, indeed, the very manager who I threatened with a steak knife about the very thing that happened.
As I was gearing up to punch him in the face with all the power of a 5'9, 130lb young insomniac (with a pretty wicked left hook), he said "DON'T DO IT.", which my fevered mind translated as 'I SUCK DONKEY PENIS'. As I gaped at him for letting me in on one of his sick fetishes, he said something else. "WE'VE GOT ALL THE NYQUIL THAT WAS HERE, IN THE BACK, MARKED DOWN 90%". Atleast, that's what he told me afterwards, I thought he said 'SHIT' and then immediately afterwards, 'ALIENS'.
"where!?', I shouted, punching another employee, and missing. Shifty devil fevermind. He took me by my collar, and led me to the back, where lo and behold before my very eyes, was a pallette of nyquil. I'm talking big boxes of little boxes of the things you buy on the shelf.
This truly was my lucky day. As I strutted out of there with a thousand dollars of Nyquil (and lesserly potent Dayquil, Nyquils straight-edge gay cousin), loaded it on the back of my truck, and drove to my house, I saw blue lights in the rearview. I thought about gunning it, but then realized I wouldn't be able to keep up. My brain, after being on a caffeine and adderall learning binge for the past week was finally starting to crash. So I snorted some coke to wake me up.
Long story short, I got my Nyquil, he let me off with a warning, and that's why the streets are full of Meth right now.