I've just realized today, that I'm always worrying. People see me as
the funny guy, always making jokes and screwing around, but honestly I
spend most of my time worrying. Worrying about something little,
something stupid, that quite frankly isn't worth worrying about. Then
there are big things that I will lose sleep over. Today was one of
those days. I kept thinking about death. My own, my loved ones, my
future wife, my future kids. I was thinking about how I probably
couldn't go on if I lost my mom or my dad. I was thinking, what if
there is no Heaven or Hell? What will happen to my loved ones when they
pass away? It's hard to deal with the fact that there may be no eternal
bliss, and that your mom or dad may just be sitting in the ground for
all eternity. It makes my eyes watery, and now I know what they mean
when they say "a lump in your throat". Then theres the approach that
there are Heaven and Hell,
and if you're good you go to Heaven, and if not, you burn in Hell for
an eternity. How does someone live with themselves knowing that their
grandma may be suffering in a lake of fire for an eternity?
But
thats just me being worried about death. I worry about the life that
I'm going to lead. I worry that I won't know what to do when I'm older.
Should I be a starving musician, poor but doing what I love? Or should
I be an accountant, rich yet hating having to wake up in the morning?
Then
there's love. I don't know how to describe myself in this aspect of
life. I suppose "codependent" would be the best word. I need to be
around people. More specifically I need a girl in my life. Whenever I
have a girlfriend I feel like I'm the happiest I've been in my entire
life. Then when she breaks up with me my whole world falls apart.
Sometimes I feel as if I don't have a girl in my life, I may be alone
forever. Then I may end up marrying the first girl who lays me and I'll
be miserable my entire life. It really sucks, to say the least.
i feel the same way. i always make jokes too and screw around and stuff, but i do [b]always[/b] worry. And i feel the same way when i have a boyfriend, especially when i have a guy leave me, my world then crashes and burns. Love always hurts me, but i always end up believing in it somehow but i still worry about that too. maybe i'm paranoid too?
it feels ok knowing that someone feels the same way about all this stuff
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Paranoia. blog
