I suppose that the best place to begin would be the beginning.
I have always been somewhat talented when it comes to obtaining relationships, but somewhat incapable at maintaining them. Up until my first relationship I had no interest whatsoever in females. Companionship, sharing a life, sex, children, all of that I was looking forward to at some later date, but my intention was to focus on work. This all changed during my second year of college when I met Paty, who would become my first girlfriend. She was at the same college - an exchange student who was originally from Mexico. I would call her interesting, but, looking back, she was actually quite straightforward. We had seven months before she was due to return to Mexico, and that created something of a barrier between us, but we fought through it.
I was a child back then, and hopelessly infatuated. I used to make her Cds which told a story of my feelings. I would go and knock on her window to deliver them, which she always enjoyed. I would always spend the hour walking her home every night, then take the hour in return quite happily too. At one point, I made her a calendar using pictures of us. For her birthday, five months into the relationship, she was away in Paris, so I spent my time behind her back creating an hour long DVD of friends, experiences and my own little messages for her to take home with her and remember us all by. Of course, she spent her birthday in bed with a Frenchman. That was nice. I don’t think I’ve even gotten over that, and it’s the source of many of my problems. I remember the pain that came with this, but she would always blame me, and she never actually told me it had happened, she just ignored me in favour of him and alluded to it. I was devastated.
Still, hopeless and impetuous, I took her back. I watched her leave and broke into tiny bits when she did, crying my eyes out in the arms of a friend at something stupid like five in the morning. As it turned out, she did it again, and the relationship ended after exactly one year, and yes, I mean exactly. She broke up with me.
Within four days I had somebody else lined up, having had sex for six hours in the first night. This girl arrived in my life and I snatched her up; it was that simple. There was no love there though, and that made me feel guilty. The first relationship had changed me to no end, but I still wanted to be an honest and worthwhile person. Guilt, sadly, is a powerful tool, and it made me stay with her. That’s an issue of mine; even if I’ve lost interest with somebody I find it very difficult to break up. I don’t like being alone, but I am an inherently solitary figure. Anyway, she made it easy for me. She announced that she’d been taking drugs, and that she had ‘tried’ to cheat on me, but the man in question had proven too drunk. To this day, she doesn’t see how she was in the wrong, but I was so glad to be out of it.
I was alone for a while, pursuing somebody who I wasn’t really that interested in. I enjoy the chase much more than the result I think. You see, people tend to bore me very easily. I’m pretty much independent by this point, and nobody really caught my attention until Bridie; female three. Now she was an interesting one.
We were very alike, and, in fact, we still are, both physically and mentally. She was originally a long distance partner, but, due to issues with her family, she ended up moving my way. It was all very dramatic for a while and, for her migraines, she lost the job that had been lined up for her up this way. Now, Bridie has a previously broken spine that has healed on her nerve endings, so it has always been difficult for her finding work. Due to this, I ended up being the sole supporter of both of us, working quite far away and working very long hours at times. Also, because of the back and certain neurological conditions (very interesting woman) Bridie habitually either kept me awake or woke me up at stupid hours of the morning. I have literally never had such a low point, but I felt that she needed me, so, even as the love died, I stuck at it. I ignored my feelings to the point of turning them off, while working constantly, keeping Bridie from her suicidal tendencies and trying harder than I have ever tried before to get some sleep.
When she actually came out of her depression and started a new job, she suddenly didn’t need me anymore, which left me to actually sleep. This led, quite quickly, to the realisations that the situation had killed any feelings that I had for her. I tried to hide it again, but I couldn’t lie, and she could always read me quite easily. There was another attempt at suicide before the end, during which she offered me a few year of experience insults and accusations. It’s another thing that I just can’t forget.
Again, at a rush, I found another girl, the complete opposite of Bridie. This was Amy, a woman who would stop to check her hair in mirrors and had never had an orgasm before. Personally, I considered this a challenge. That’s a huge issue of mine; I’m drawn to the challenge of something to overcome rather than the female herself. I also seem to do things in pairs. After every woman that I love there’s one the complete opposite that I really don’t. Amy was a challenge beaten in a month and, after that, I ended up looking for new challenges. Not in other women, but from Amy herself. The problem was that there were none, so I was bored faster than I’ve ever been bored in my life. Of course, when I did finally escape the guilt to tell her this, she accused me of abuse, attempted rape and physical damage. Turns out she was using me as an excuse to get out of her issues and, when I left, she was annoyed that I couldn’t do it anymore.
I don’t have any prospects that hold my interest right now, though it is nigh impossible to actually hold my interest at this point. My emotions are nicely buried where they’re difficult to harm, but that also makes them difficult to reach. I’m okay with that. Life goes on, and I’ll just go back to my work, just like I always do.
Well thanks for the read. FUCKING A have you had some shitty relationships. I respect the positive attitude throughout all of it. Hope you find what your looking for one day man. Thanks for always posting in the RT.
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Relationship Thread. November '09 blog
