I suppose you always want what your can't have.
Nearly four years in; I guess the second thoughts are only natural, but feeling so strongly otherwise after as long without any prior suggestion is a little strange.
I've admitted it to myself for a while now, which isn't the most normal progression of things, but usually things get awkward first; interestingly, they haven't. Maybe that's a change in me over the years, or maybe it's just that I haven't let it show to her just yet.
I'm not one to cheat, but with the right (or wrong) circumstances today, I don't think I could have guaranteed not doing so. The perfect storm of leaving, in more ways than one, the enforced distance... and the hair down, the safety, the idea of longer connection - I can't help but feel like it could be right in the future and I'm missing something by not seeking it out. The grey, the back, the... tongue? All of it together just tipping me further over the edge, and through no fault of hers - it's all in my head and it's eating away at me (and my sleep).
Maybe the forced distance will eradicate (fix?) it all, but maybe my inspiration to bring her home next year will mess it all up again?
I would break my work rules over this, and something neither Olivia nor Lena probably would have reached. Arguably, the proximity may have exacerbated it all (and it probably did), but as a fairly hard rule in the first place, it is hard to ignore that I have openly admitted it.
Maybe down the line, if things don't otherwise pan out, maybe it might work out in a way we wouldn't expect. I can't say I necessarily want it to like that just yet, but maybe it has a bit more potential than I am giving it credit for.