(dammit I just lost twenty minutes of blog. new tab new tab new tab)
Last night, as we do every year before Christmas, we sent the kiddies off to her little sister's house to stay the night. We went out for a nice dinner at our favorite restaurant in the world and came home. Now you would think that the night would have played out that after dinner we came home, had more wine, lit some candles, started a fire, stripped, got out mommy's toys and got our motherfucking freak on. But that ain't the way this yearly ritual plays out. We wrapped presents for the next four hours so that our kids can come downstairs and direct all of their happiness and gratitude to a jolly, fat, cookie-eating fucker in a red suit with magic flying reindeer who doesn't fucking exist (that was the spoiler... oh, guess I shoulda put this in before the last sentence...oh well) except in the form of a guy in the mall who is likely a pedo and has kids climbing on his lap all day.
oooh look what Santa brought me!!!
Ooooh yeah..... fuckin' goddamn fuckin' fucker
Santa got me just what I wanted!!
Ah, yeah that Santa... he sure knows everything.... fuckin' Santa, fuck you in yer rosey red ass ya fucker
So, round about midnight my wife goes over to the last box. It's a huge brown monolith containing what is a half scale pony that kids can sit on and groom and feed if they aren't terrified by it. First thing the wife sees upon opening the box is this:
She read it to me from across the room. I said "let me guess what two parts the pony is in". Anyway, they probably should have put that on the FUCKING OUTSIDE of the box. Imagine this if you will; Kid fresh from unwrapping this huge box has no idea what it is because it's in a brown box from China. Kid's gotta know it's good because it's so friggin' huge.
Daddy, daddy, open it so I can see what SANTA brought me!!!
Ok, let me go an' git mah knife...
After cutting open the box, reaching in and removing the contents, this is what the first thing kid would see of their new present;
Damn that made me laugh so hard I had an asthma attack, that picture of you holding up the head is priceless. your kids are very lucky to have you as a dad and I mean that.
I'm sure you love your kids but, dammit, no hypothetical future kids of MINE are getting any half scale electric (looks electric) pony. The only reason I'd get them that is to present it headless like that.
| My Profile
This Magic Moment (SPOILER ALERT) blog
too funny man!!!!!
