=bert=

right i like these jokes and i hope that it will make people laugh a little bit cos you can never laugh too much! (aaawww! etc)

what has two legs and bleeds?
half a dog.

once there was a man who had everything in the world that he ever wanted. and yet... he was always bored. one day he was walking down the street when he saw a man at the side of the road bouncing a brick on the floor, up and down, up and down. the man was amazed! "ill give you £100 for that brick!" the man says. "sorry mate the bricks not for sale" comes the reply "ok, ok £1000!! i must have that brick!" but still no was the answer "alright then!!! £100 million!!! i must have it!!!!" this was an offer the man with the brickcould not refuse. so a cheque was writtten and the man walks away with this bouncing brick. he is loving this brick, he takes it everywhere, and yet.... soon he bores of it. i mean... all it does is bounce which is very boring. so soon he is wanting to be rid of this brick, but for some reason he cannot be rid of it!! no matter how he tries to get rid of it it still comes bouncing back to him. so one day, sick to his guts of the brick, he climbs the highest building in the world (that one in japan i think it was at the time) with his brick in hand and when he reaches the
top he HURLS the brick down at the pavement below. the brick bounces on he floor and speeds past the man up into the sky, never to be seen again.

whats the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
you have to take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

A peadophile is walking through the woods with a little girl:
little girl - 'im scared!'
nonce - 'youre scared? i have to walk back by myself!'

there was once a little blind girl and more then anything in the world she wanted to be able to see again. "mummy mummy!" she would say, "when will i be able to see again?"and here mother would reply "well my darling, there are doctors working at this very instant to make a cream which will make your eyes all better again! and we can get this cream next week!" the little girl was so excited, for the next week she hardly slept and she hardly ate.the day before they were to collect the cream her mother tried to calm her down but the girl was so excited! "think of all the things i will be able to see again mummy! the birds in the trees! the clouds in the sky!" "yes my darling, but get your sleep tonight and tomorrow we shall get the marvellous cream!"
so the next day the girl and her mummy go up to town where the wonderful new cream is purchased. as soon as they are home the girl is almost screaming with delight. "quick mummy, quick!! put it on, put it on!!" so the mother starts rubbing the cream into the girls eyes, the girl wincing because of the stinging but the mummy soothes her, "dont worry," she says, "be strong! nd tomorrow you will be able to see again!" so they wrap her little head tight in bandages and set her to bed.
the next day the girl is shouting for her mummy, not having slept a wink, "quick!! mummy quick!! help me with my bandages!!!" the mummy rushes in and together they frantically and gleefully take of the badnages. the little gilr opens her eyes and blinks in the morning sun...
"but... but mummy... i still cant see..." she says. and the mother screams
"APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!"

whats better then gold in the paralympics?
legs.

Passengers were boarding a plane when one of them is stopped by the stewardess. "excuse me sir, but there appears to be a duck on your shoulder." "yeah dont worry luv," he replies, "thats mr flappy! he goes wherever i go!" so the woman lets him
on thinking well if they allow women to drive cars! why not a duck on a plane! so anyway the flight gets underway and all is going smoothly. mr flappy and his owner enjoy the complimentary meal and the viewing of erin brokavic (though its not
really mr flappys type of film, he's more into horrowing war dramas, like The Killing Fields). anyway not long into the flight disaster strikes! one of the engines has fallen off! every one is in a flat panic and the air stewadess' try their hardest to keep everyone calm. one man who is especially calm however, is mr flappys owner. the stewardess comes over "sir!sir! where is you duck sir!" the man just points calmly out of the window, and there, under the wing of the plane supporting it on his back is mr flappy!!! mr flappy is saving the day! now they can saflely get to the nearest landing site with mr flappy taking them in! but then this fucking big bouncing brick comes shooting up from underneath killing my flappy and taking off the wing. the plane crashes and everyone dies. the end.